The lies about honesty and other misconceptions

I read recently that, when asked what's the most important character trait in a potential partner, both men and women rated honesty. In fact, honesty out-rated physical looks, even financial success in some cases. But what is honesty? Webster's Dictionary defines honesty as "truthful; trustworthy" and "being what it seems". Well, which definition are we looking for? Most of us would agree that that someone who is truthful and trustworthy is what we think of when asked to elaborate on 'honesty'. So, when one partner asks the other, "Does this make me look fat?" do we answer truthfully and risk certain death? Or do we answer what we know our partner wants to hear--"being what it seems". Using that much less dangerous type of honesty will eventually gain us the gold-starred "trustworthy". Seems easy enough, right? In the perfect relationship world, it would be a piece of cake...well, perhaps that's the wrong choice of words, considering the implications of the truthful answer to "Does this make me look fat?".

We're living in a world of instant gratification. Want to know something, anything, "Google"it. Forget actually taking the time of finding a book on the subject and reading about the topic of interest--we don't have time for that. How often do we find out important information about a friend or relative by their status on Facebook, My Space or Twitter, rather than picking up our cell phones (I'm not even going there!) and asking, "How are you?" And when was the last time you received, or wrote a handwritten letter? My point is when we begin to date someone, the time between what used to be "courting" has turned into a full-blown relationship in a matter of weeks. We expect our partners to be truthful and trustworthy from the start. Those are impossible standards to live up to in a short amount of time. Trust isn't a given, its earned. In his book, "Beyond Boundaries", Dr. John Townsend states that trust "is the ability to be vulnerable with another person...you feel that the deepest parts of you will be safe with them." How can we possibly expect that from someone we're only just beginning to know? Why should we expect  someone to trust us without proof?

Which brings us back to honesty. And my personal experiment using the "truthful" definition. Let me just tell you...it wasn't pretty. We'd met online (where else?), did the emailing thing, moved to texting, and eventually phone calls. This progression took time! Like maybe four or five DAYS! Everyone has a preferred way of communicating and this guy loved to talk. He spoke like an old fashioned cowboy, smooth...and slow...as molasses. I'm from the Northeast, where speed-talking is an athletic event but I do enjoy a good story, and have found listening the best way to learn all you need to know,and never giving anything away. It was a hot summer afternoon, I had work to do, and he was into the second hour about how he'd overcame the most extreme case of stuttering known in the medical field by himself and taught his solution to a very well-known singer who has a definitive stutter when he speaks, but not when he sings (this was way before the release of "The King's Speech"). Well, lo and behold, it worked!! Okay, call me cruel,. but I'd had enough. So, I asked him if I could be honest? He said "Absolutely." And I told him the truth; the only gift he may have given to medicine was using that story as anesthesia for brain surgery patients. Maybe that was a bit harsh...but it was honest!

Step back from the need to honest about everything, all at once. Give honesty a chance to live up to its "truthful, trustworthy" definition. Be patient. You might find that you enjoy learning about someone slowly...like each honest admission is a gift, rather than TMI. Trying to rush the relationship process won't get you anywhere, except hurting someone with a truth they didn't necessarily need to hear. Honestly.

Joys of cyber dating II

Before I begin to regale you with a few more online anecdotes, I just wanted to thank all of you who have read and/or commented on the two blogs. I've been told by a few readers that its difficult to post a comment on this site and have chosen to write me via gmail/G+ or facebook. What ever way you chose, please keep the comments coming! Whether the reviews are positive or critical, they give me an idea whose reading this and what might make this more compelling. I've even been challenged to a female vs male online date-off: who suffers more? What do you think of that? I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of men who took the time to read and comment as well. As I said in the first post, my objective here isn't to bash men, but to learn more about each other and why we do the...uh...rather...exceptional...things never to be forgotten. I promise I'll share some of what readers have told me (I'm not the only one who received "package" deliveries!) in just a sec, but first, I have to tell you about a man who wrote one of the sweetest, most heartfelt (see? I do have feelings!) messages I've ever read. Anonymity is a given at all times; no one deserves to be hurt or embarrassed, at any cost. This young man (a very good looking young man, I might add, ladies!) was particularly interested in the online dating concept, as he was having a very difficult time meeting women who didn't have "an agenda" (another topic we will cover in a future post). This man has been through a lot of emotional turmoil recently and isn't quite ready to jump into  a committed relationship yet, but  truly wants the opportunity to get to know a "good woman" on a different level than just a physical one. Of course, he hopes, as we all do (yes, even me!) that a friendship will develop into something more in the future, but right now, he doesn't want the pressure of being a "boyfriend".

Is this possible? Can two people who have a mutual attraction for each other be patient enough to learn about one another, begin to trust one another, before jumping into bed?

Another gentleman responded that the whole online dating concept was just another way to "hook up". Its his opinion that women believe their power over men is sex. He believes that a woman will use her sexuality as a type of leverage to get what they want--boyfriend, husband, money, status, etc. Although I've personally never engaged in that kind of behavior, I can't say he's completely incorrect.  Women are exploited as sex objects to most men. Have you ever seen an overweight, unattractive NFL cheerleader? Been in a sports bar that had a predominately male wait staff? Yes, this man's response may be extreme, but he had to learn it somewhere.

One of the more popular cyber dating services claims that for every 7 dates, a member might meet one person they find a deeper connection with. I don't think those are such bad odds...and it sure beats  going to a bar to meet Mr. Perfect who can't remember his own name, let alone yours.

Regardless of the way we choose to find a potential mate, we're attempting to fulfill a basic instinct of sharing our life with another. God knows (and, apparently, so do I) its far from easy. Its not always happy. But there are those incredible times of joy and love that keeps our hope alive.

This post is much more serious than I had intended, but judging from the responses I've received, its a subject that needs to be considered. So, please...keep your messages coming. Use facebook, gmail, G+...whatever makes you feel comfortable enough to share your thoughts without concern. I hope I've proved to you that I am not trying to cause harm or unfair judgement. There are never wrong answers...just another opportunity to learn what makes us tick.

Oh, the joy of cyber dating!

Okay, kids...I get it. The first post fell kind of flat. This is all new to me and I really am looking forward to your participation. So please give me a second chance and try a different approach.

I think most of us have been on at least one date that you met online. It really is the perfect way to meet someone; you can sit in your oldest, most comfortable pjs, your hair a little over due for a shampoo , munching on your favorite forbidden food and shop for men the same way we shop for shoes. Its the dating girls dream!

And then you meet the guy. You know that commercial about the girl who is meeting her date for the first time and announces that she met him on the internet, and he's a french model? And this scruffy 7 ft guy, complete with a fanny pack, half smiles a 'Bonjour" and walks off with his arm around the (God forgive me) air head? Yeah, that's how a lot of first meetings happen. Its funny as hell when you finally escape to the sanctuary of home, but during the date? It can be anything from frightening to unadulterated fury.

I live in a very rural area where single men are scarce. So online dating services are really the only way for me to meet anyone. I admit, I've been very fortunate to have only met one freak--oh,but he was a doozy! Claimed he was in love with me the first night we met, and would I mind shaving his back? I was outta there before he got the razor out.  Oh, and there was this other guy I met for coffee. He was extremely good looking, and I honestly wondered why a guy like him was bothering with computer dating when any woman in their right mind would go nuts over him. We had a nice hour or so, he walked me to my car, kissed me perfectly and said that he thought we would get along just fine. No sooner did I get home, I received a picture text from him. "How romantic," I thought as it downloaded. I opened it up to a "full monty', the complete package! And I couldn't help it; I started laughing! The poor guy made the mistake of calling me immediately after sending the pic and I was still laughing--not giggling, but side splitting laughter. When  he asked me what was so funny, I was cracking up so hard, I swear I almost wet my pants. Not surprisingly, he hung up on me. A few hours later, he texted me that I was the most insensitive woman he'd ever met. I guess he didn't display his 'package' very often!

These are only two of the hilarious stories I have about online dating!

Tell me some of your's...especially if you can beat the insecure guy with the...interesting  pic text delivery!  Consider it a challenge! I've got a few more "meet and greets" to share...See if you can beat  them!

Until next time, happy dating!

If you're looking for tips on how to find the ideal man, you won't find them here. After 3 decades a hopeful, enthusiast quest for The One, I've finally realized that my perfect bed partner is my dog, Maisy. That bright-eyed, floppy-eared black mutt is unconditional love personified...well, dog-ified. Don't get me wrong! I am not a bitter, middle aged man-hater. On the contrary. Despite the heartbreaks, disappointments and a few "what the hell was I THINKING??!!", the male species continues to fascinate me. If men are from Mars and women from Venus, then the red planet must be filled with self-proclaiming Casanovas. The legends and stories that've spun along with the meat-laden rotisseries over countless fires must've been so incredible, Venus up and moved to the other side of Earth. But even the best intended Venusian yearns for a challenging project and men continue to provide mind-boggling puzzles that never cease to entertain. We still haven't quite figured out how to get a guy to do the laundry without turning our favorite white blouse pink, but we're making progress every day.

Though the together-forever commitment may have eluded me, I can honestly admit that I've never been bored.  So, rather than attempt to comprehend the elusive, yet endearing masculine creatures--or bash them--it would be more amusing to share some of the humoreous situations my friends and I have found ourselves in while dating. And these ancidotes are not limited to male-female relationships--Oh No!!!! Why should women have all the fun? Same sex relationships go through the all the drama just as we do. Except they're usually better dressed.

And so, as the author (and slightly insane person for even thinking of this), I hereby declare this as an open forum for anyone who wants to entertain, enlighten, and give all of us something to smile about (especially when we admit being in the same kind of relationship, too). C'mon...write a little something (names are NOT necessary!)...you know you want to...And who knows? We just might solve the pink laundry mystery?